Numbers

Six:  The number of days left until July. 
-I can't believe its almost July. Not only for the fact that the year had flown by but mostly because Washington has yet to discover that its summer and that it's supposed to be 75 degrees outside. Not a monsoon every other day.

Four:  The number of weeks James has left of his internship. 
-How exciting! This experience has been incredible. I have seen James grow so much from his internship. He is seriously considering getting his masters now in landscape architecture and he has decided on a minor that will be best for his career goals; business. I'm guessing he's just excited to be done with the super laborious parts and mowing lawns in pouring down rain. 

Seven:  The number of weeks until our one year anniversary.
-Crazy. I can't believe we have been married for almost one year. I know that each year will fly by even faster. The one thing I don't like about our anniversary is that it makes me feel young. Pretty much because my birthday is the day before and I will finally be turning 21. 

Two:  The number of months we have left until we are back in Rexburg.
 -I have really been missing Rexburg. I know that sounds crazy to most of you, but it's been in the 80's there. And sunny. Almost every day. Here we get 'partially sunny'... Also, I now have family there! And I really miss my in-laws. They were a huge part of my life when I was going to school the first three years and even more so now. Also I can't wait to go back to school and get it ova' with! My new goal is to go on fast grad next year and graduate in April 2014 then do an internship that spring with some company.

Moments

James: "I hope our kids have your facial expressions."

Looks to me like our kids have equal chances of having 'expressive' faces.

Inspiration

Two Saturdays ago my friend Jessica came up to Seattle for her first time ever. In anticipation of her arrival, I planned out the whole day so that she'd really be able to get a good experience. It was also supposed to rain the entire day so that kinda sucked. But lucky for us the rain never came! Any who, I talked to James about how he felt if I would head back to Portland with Jess. He was okay with it and was planning on coming to get me the following Friday. Thus began my inspiring week in Portland.

It all began with Lexy's lesson in young woman's. Lucky for me the Sunday I was there, she was asked to speak to them about individual worth. Her lesson was incredible... It was exactly what those young woman needed to hear and especially me!! (Side note: just because we're growing up, doesn't mean we don't need to be humbled any more!). One part that really stuck out to me was when she spoke about how we should never talk bad about someone behind their back. We don't know their whole story and it is never, never our place to judge. Just to let you know, just prior to this and soon after those words she spoke, I had many humbling experiences where I had complained and gotten jealous, envious, and angry over something I ASSUMED just to hear the true story behind it. Each time I had gotten those stupid feelings of jealousy, I ended up feeling ashamed.

What happened to me?! In high school when I lived with my mom, I never judged anyone right away. I never got those really angry or pissed off or envious feelings. I just kinda looked at it almost ignorantly. Not thinking much of whatever people chose to do. I gave a lot of people the benefit of the doubt. And when people confided in me things that they were scared to tell others, I still loved them no matter what they told me. I miss that! This last week it hit me so hard in the face, and at so many different times that it finally got me to make a personal conviction to stop doing that. Its exhausting not to!! People have their own reasons for what they do. And good for them! Even if it doesn't turn out the best, some times all they need is someone there lending them a hand, making them feel confident with themselves! Confidence is so important. I have been put down so many times growing up that I am still trying to reclaim some of what I used to be. Like my laugh. I used to laugh so hard, with all of my heart. But then a friend told me I laughed too loud and a guy I dated told me it was embarrassing. That was hard to hear. And Its taken me a while to be able to be comfortable laughing that hard again.

Be there for people! Embrace their uniqueness and love them with all your heart. If you don't "click" with someone, oh well! You don't have to be their best friend. Just don't tear them down for who they love that they are. There is too many negative things in this world tell us that "we can't". And especially, don't do it behind their back. When you're truly not dedicated to being their friend in every way possible, then they deserve a better friend.

I've done this to too many people! I used to be better at it and I promise you here and now that I am dedicating myself to being that friend who says the positive things! Even when others are not. And to you that I have wronged: With all my heart and soul, I am so sorry. You did not deserve it. And You did not deserve me as a friend.

Letting go...

When one lets go of a grudge, a judgement, a hurt feeling, the past, when people say what hurt them and move past the past, its as if a huge weight has been lifted from their spirit. Its easy to get angry and hold on. But it sucks! It hurts. It feels horrible. So why do people do it? Because it's easy... it's so easy to sit and stew and let bad feelings grow. Its easy to fuel those feelings with horrible thoughts. Sometimes you feel that you deserve to feel that way. I've been there. But you need to get over it. It takes time though. Sometimes it may just take until you have that moment where you need to force yourself to write that message, take that drive, or make that call. One thing that I've had around me all my life is people who hold onto anger and past arguments and just hurt feelings. It's rubbed off on me horribly. But something else I've had in my life is the willingness to change and recognize that fault in myself. I held onto a bad break up for a year. Jealous for months. Cheating and lying for who knows how long. But it has been those moments. Those times when I have too much time to sit and think. That thinking turned to hating. Hating turned to crying. Crying turned to regret. Regret to more thinking. More thinking to action. And that action has turned out every time. Even when I had the right to be angry, I forced myself to apologize for hating. No one deserves to be hated. We've all been hated. I know when I've done or said things on purpose to hurt someone. And instantly I hated myself for them. But my pride didn't let me move on. I knew the other person hated me for it. I've also had it where someone did something to me that they soon regret. And I held on so long to the hurt that that person caused for me. But soon I broke that hurt down and slowly let that person back in. It was hard, it always is. That relationship isn't the same as it once was. Its completely different. But its better. Stronger. More... realistic. You didn't really appreciate the relationship you once had. Something big and bad happens that causes strife. But when the wall is broken down and people start to mend things, you see it all in a new light. You realize what level their relationship to you is on. You realize who they are and even who you are! The one thing constant in life is change. And that change can be brought on by simple words or acts, or even by giant moments that change the course of life around you. Some times it takes years. Years to gain the courage. Years until you feel its the right time, until the opportunity comes for the words to be spoken and silence to be broken. All one needs to do is be honest to themselves. Be honest about your heart, about the hurt you have, about what you've done to cause the hurt to someone else. Most people don't go around purposefully hurting people just because they want to. They all have their own stories and reasoning's. You don't know why that person was hurt. You don't know why they had a bad day. My only suggestion: don't let it be too late before you take that leap. Don't let twenty years go by before you swallow your pride and realize all of the wasted moments you could have had. It's never too late! It's never too late to do it for yourself. To do it for them. To do it for your children. For your future children. For your siblings. For your family. For your friends. Its hard. But when you think about it, all things in this life that are worth it, are hard. So if you've been thinking about that person lately, let them know. Find them on Facebook. Send them a text. Do it to the best of your ability. Sometimes that may just be as simple as saying "I'm here." For all of you struggling, holding on to the hurt, its okay. There is hope! There is hope that you can feel peace once again. The feeling of peace when nothing is keeping that smiling from appearing on your face just because today came. Thank you all who have forgiven me for holding a grudge. Thank you all who have let me apologize for my pride and for whatever I have done to hurt you. And for those who haven't; I'm sorry. From the deepest part of my soul I am sorry. For the moments we have lost. For the times I wasn't honest. For the times I wasn't sure about myself, my feelings and my thoughts. For the times that those unsure moments hurt you and caused you to feel abandoned, betrayed, led on. I'm sorry for the times you deleted my number, threw out or deleted all pictures or anything that reminded you of our times together. I'm especially sorry for the times I wasn't courageous enough to stand up for you or our friendship. I'm also sorry this blog is so long, but I feel I have to share these thoughts! For right now, I have tears coming to my eyes because I finally feel peace. I finally feel no hurt. Thank you for everyone who has come to me to say you're sorry. For all your helping hands and words. For your shoulders that I cried on. For the times you listened to me. For the times you told me to shut up. For the times you could see what I could not. Thank you. I know for a fact I will have more experiences where I will hurt someone and where I will be hurt. I am more worried about the moments I may miss because I let the hurt get to me and cause me to hide. So as for the title of this blog, letting go... let us let go! Let us feel that peace. There are too many things in life to worry about beside trying to hold onto hate just because of one simple thing or even a huge event of things. You don't have to let people back into your life. Sometimes all they want to hear is that they are forgiven. Because if they are anything like I have been, they know what they have done and they regret it with all their might. Finally, I would like to thank you all. To thank everyone who has come into my life. Whether it be for a moment or for a life time. Thank you for every growing experience. You have helped make up my life, my adventures, my tears, my growing moments, my downfalls, and all together who I am working to become.

Thank you. 

Bad habit

Idle hands are the devils play things. In this case, my idle hands got addicted to online shopping... which I have discovered is honestly one of the worst habits EVER. Since I just cut all of my hair off, I felt that my clothing wasn't girly enough... so I decided to online shop for cute cloths so that I can look like a confident woman! Who knew how bad it would affect the bank account :/ ... today I am going to stop that bad habit! Well... I mean... after the purchase I made today... I'm now stopping!!

Today, I think I may go running :) that should be my new addiction. I will update you on it in my next blog (that is... if I remember... ha ha)

Miracles do happen!!

I just received the best news I ever could have in these next three/four months :) But first let me give the back ground: James and I had a contract with an apartment until the end of this July, but then James received the news about the internship and we knew that we were meant to go. We were able to find a renter to take our apartment and everything was great. But then, one week before we were moving out, our rental company calls us and tells us that they have backed out. James and I were left trying to find a renter by April 1st, which was in one week. Plenty of people were interested. But no one signed a contract. Time went on... and during that time we found out that if no one was going to take the apartment then we would have to pay for all the time it was empty and also be charged for abandonment fees. This would add up to a total of $2100 plus some had no one taken the lease. Well, a month has now gone by and each day the stress on us grew stronger and hope grew extremely bleak. But today, I found out the best news I could have heard. I called to see how we can pay for the month that has recently passed, and I was told someone just signed a lease a few days ago :) !! They are moving in next friday!! Thank you Heavenly Father for answering my prayers :) James and I don't have the money to pay for four months of rent... we are struggling as it is and were hoping to use this time to save up money, and now... I have so much hope! We will be able to stand okay the next 8 or 9 months as we pay off other things and not have to worry about that huge sum of money over our heads :) Miracles do happen, thank you Heavenly Father :)

Motivation

How do you build motivation? I feel that for so many times in my life, I haven’t had any motivation. Ive thoughts about things that I want to do or accomplish. Like running for class president or getting into a regular work out routine. One time I can remember I felt truly motivated about what I wanted to do in my life was after I broke up with my high school boy friend. Life was bright, new, I had limitless options ahead of me. I wanted to do service; go into the peace core. All it is now is a memory. I feel that now, I'm just stuck. I don’t know when I'm going to graduate. My two girl friends in college are either graduated or are graduating this semester… me? Another two or three years? How am I going to do an internship when I don’t know what I'm doing… yeah. I just switched my major and I have an idea of what I want to do for my life… but how do I know I’ll even be good at it? Ive never planned an event before. I completely failed at planning my own reception. How’s that for motivation? Some times I feel as though I should get pregnant. If I was pregnant then I'd have motivation. Motivation to work and do my best for this child. The motivation to finish college and get the best grades I can. Usually in the semester I have motivation at the beginning to get ahead of the game and keep on top of everything. But i get burnt out so easily. For the next three months I will be sitting here, doing the same thing every day... sleeping in, thinking about jogging the neighborhoods or hiking a trail, but then the thought gets crushed by the fear that even here some strange car will pull up and take me or that on a trail someone could be waiting to rape me. This is depressing yes, but no I'm not depressed. But isn't it depressing to go through life not living up to what you know deep down you're capable of? How much different would life be if I weren't scared of trying. If I didn't live life through how I imagined it. That's what I do. I image all of the awesome things I want to do and can very well imagine myself doing those things. But then by the time it comes to actually do them, I say no or I'm fine or I don't care, when in reality... I really do. I think its why I get jealous, or why its really easy for me to talk to other people. I'm such a hypocrite. Its really easy for me to talk to other people and tell them to go for it, or don't be afraid of what happens, or just giving advice. I feel that I can give it really easily because that's how I truly feel, but I can't in no way take my own advice. So back to my original question. How do you build motivation? Right now, I have none. And ironically, its exhausting. Wasting my days, hours, minutes, moments and memories on television shows because that's all I can bring myself to do. Other then cleaning. Maybe that's why I learned to love cleaning because I feel that I'm doing something and I love it. So maybe what I'm looking for is not just advice, but a plan... what can I do or think or say to get myself to feel motivation?

The First Nine Months!

In three days James and I will have been married for 9 months! Not a big mile stone, but it just shows that I haven't posted a single thing for ten months... SO here is the update of everything :D (Start from the bottom with August 5th and then work your way up).

May 3, 2012

Finally caught up! The last three days I have been a worthless bum at home lol... Well, one of them I was extremely sick again and yesterday I was getting better. And I've used today to catch up on our blog! So far since we've been in Issaquah living with Will and Tori, we have gone paddle boarding, long boarding, flown James' power kite on the beach, done an endowment session at the Seattle Temple, and even went on a hike before church on Sunday. We love it here, there is so much to do! I'm learning the roads and the stores in the area. So far haven't heard about any jobs but am still looking. If I don't get a job I want to take the next couple months to work on learning new things. I even may invest in a short membership at the local hot yoga place... although a hate hot yoga with a passion.
A few things on my list to learn:
                     -Sewing
                     -Craft (making?)
                     -Cooking! (Either baking or cooking meals)
James has now been working at his internship for four days. His first day was pretty hard, he ended up using a chainsaw to remove weeds/trees from an area and then had to haul them out. It was just him and another man doing the work. The last two days have been a little easier and he has been planting flowers by a retirement community. He has some silly stories about it so maybe I can get him on here soon to put up a few of his personal stories from it all :)

April 4-23 2012

VEGAS!! Winter 2012 semester past us, Vegas in view. But before we went to Vegas with my dad and step mom, I went to my brother Will's sealing in the Manti temple. And oh ma' goodness is it a b.e.a.utiful temple! I love it. It was a beautiful sealing and it was great seeing my family again. James wasn't able to make it down with me because he had a class that he needed to go to on the Friday of finals time which happened to be the day of the sealing. After the sealing I saw Jason Hutchinson for the first time since he got back from his mission and I got to hang out and play cards with everyone! It was wonderful sitting back and seeing everyone in the same room again :) The next day I picked James up from temple square and the following day we headed to Las Vegas. 

Me being excited that we were almost to Vegas!

I'm going to add just a few photos of the things that we saw when we were there.

It was extremely hot this day. But it was our first day there and we walked the south part of the strip.

This is still my favorite place. M&M World.

We went to two shows when we were there: Blue man group and Mystere. They were fun but the latter was my favorite. We ate out every single day! Craziness... Talk about food frenzy. We relaxed a lot. Went to the hot tub a couple times at night. We originally were going to stay in Vegas one week, but a couple of the days were filled with non vacation things, such as how my Volvo officially died... and we got a new car. We now own a 2005 Honda Element EX. It's worked great so far with no issues. Since we lost a couple days, my dad decided to stay another week haha but James and I only stayed until Wednesday. While in Vegas, James bought me my first Ipod :) I call it my blue berry and my car is my big blue berry. After Vegas we stayed and Aunt Shirley and Uncle Larry's for a couple days. It was a lot of fun and really relaxing. We then headed up to Portland, stayed there for a couple days and then finally made our last trek to Seattle!

January 2012-April 2012

Our fifth semester at BYU-I. This semester was big for both of us. James was jam packed with too many courses and most of his professors believed they were his only professor... meaning an insane semester packed with a ton of work. Poor guy :/ BUT he made it through great! He got all A's and one or two A-'s :) I'm so proud of him. He doesn't think that he works that hard but he really does. I worked once again at the testing center. I had a really fun couple of shifts but towards the end of the semester I dropped one of my shifts so I could have my week nights free to do homework and projects. I finally decided on what I want to do with my life. I changed my major to communications and am going to be taking courses based in public relations and organizational communication. I'm working to be an event planner, hopefully for large scale events maybe even humanitarian events. James had a couple courses that inspired his interest in doing an internship. He interview with Brickman and then later went on an internship expedition where he met with them once more. He secured an internship with them and we started the process of moving to Seattle for the next semester. Oh yeah! I cut my hair. Here is a before picture:  

For the after picture, look at our Vegas pictures.
 

December 2011-January 2012

December was a big one for us, a scary one. I got really ill. The craziest part about it is that I never get sick. But it happened. I can’t remember every detail perfectly any more but here is what I recall:

            I started having really bad cramping stomach pains, like it hurt to stand, and I was nauseous. I showed up to work (at target) and one of the Leads on Duty (LOD) told me to leave and go to community care; I looked like crap. I went and they couldn’t really tell what was going on so they prescribed me medicine for the nausea and cramping. That went away for about a day or so, but then the worst came. I started throwing up. I couldn’t keep anything down and I didn’t have an appetite. After about three or four days of this went on I started to really worry about getting dehydrated. I visited yet another community care where they weren’t sure what was up, just gave me and IV for dehydration. I felt okay for about a day, but then I got sick again. This happened about three times on and off. I got extremely weak. I hadn’t been able to eat much for about a week at a time. I looked frail and was exhausted. Eventually I had gone to community care four times, received three different diagnosis that all contradicted each other, a few prescriptions (either antibiotics or medicine for nausea), and about four or five IVs for dehydration. Finally, on Christmas Eve, I went to the ER. Finally found out it was a stomach virus that was going around the area. They gave me three IVs and a good prescription for nausea. Also they gave me a good diet to follow to help me be able to eat and keep food down. By Christmas, I was able to eat most of the food. About a week went by and I was fine. But yet again something hit me. I was having really bad problems in the bathroom and it was causing horrible pain. Once again I went to the ER. I found out that what I had was caused by antibiotics that community care prescribed me; antibiotics that were for something that I never had. Ultimately, I found out that I lost 16 pounds. I don’t have weight to lose; it was scary finding that out. And today I still have only gained about 3 pounds back.

September 2011-December 2011

During this time, James worked for Aunt LaDawn and I got a job a Target working softlines. Both of which were huge blessings to us. I also volunteered for RecSports on the side. Around November, James got a job being a runner for UPS.

On October 13th, something special happened in the family! David and Dani had their first child, baby Alice :) James and I went down to see her the next day and ended up being the first visitors to the new baby! Whats funny is that for about the first three months of her life we ended up seeing her and her parents every two weeks.

Here are a few images (though not the best quality images) to show what we have been up to!

I learned I have a love for baking. This was particularly delicious! (Although, I did make it around Valentines day).

How tall it ended up being

James and I liked to leave each other little messages as we left for work. I particularly liked this one from him :)

James grew a beard, and then decided to get creative when shaving it.

Then... he shaved it to this later that day...

James' last day working for UPS!

Halloween! I don't want to explain mine, haha.

Sunday drive :)

August 14-21, 2011

Honeymoon time! And let me tell you it could not have come sooner. We just ended a year at school, got married, two receptions, moved into our new place, and drama with our lemon of a car. We went to Cabo San Lucas and stayed at the five star resort my dad has a time share with. We slept most of the trip on our king size bed.

August 13, 2011

Today was the Portland reception. All in all, I wish we didn't have it. I did love seeing all my friends in one place once again. It was held at the Happy Valley church building and Ariana Evensen, Kathy Robertson, Jeff Klein, Kenny Hall, Mack Brown, Josh Palkki, and others helped put it all together to make it beautiful. Thank you everyone! 

Before it was completed

Cutting the cake!

 

August 6, 2011

 I don't know what is was like or will be like when you get married, but that morning (I hope I can blame it on the horribly hot bathroom lights) but I was so nervous, I felt like I was going to puke! I had to step out from the bathroom to breath and calm down. Eventually my mom and I made it to the IF temple in safety and on time. We went through it all. Filled out the paper work, I was sent back to the bridal room where I was pampered, and still being nervous the ladies there gave me something to munch on before I was fully dressed for the sealing. As soon as I saw James, I knew I was okay. One memory I have that I will never forget is when we were sitting in the celestial room waiting to be taken to the sealing room. James and I were sitting there, taking it all in. Then James turns to me and says "now when he asks, you say yes." Straight face, dead serious. :)
ANY WHO, I don't want to bore you with too many details... But the sealing was amazing. I almost broke down in tears when we looked each other in the eye at the alter. We were surrounded by so many loved ones. When my dad and I hugged after, I truly broke down as did he. Since I was in primary I became okay with the fact that my dad would never see me get married... yet, there he was! The next few hours were a blur. After the sealing we took a few photos with family and loved ones.
 

 

Right after the sealing at the IF temple

The Idaho reception followed, and it was wonderful! All I had to do was show up, say hello to friends and family, eat a little bit, and cut the cake! We were even able to open presents at the end :) So much fun! 
Idaho Wedding Reception Video

August 5, 2011

Today was my birthday! And what a special day indeed :) Today was the day I received my endowments. I decided to get them out at the Idaho Falls temple since we were going to be sealed there the following day. I will admit that I was a little disappointed I couldn't be sealed and receive my endowments at the Portland temple, but the closer the two dates came the less disappointed I was! I found out that the Idaho Falls temple is where my dad had received his own endowments, and (as you'll see in the next date) other reasons just kept popping up that made it so special to me, and him! The best part of today... My dad went through the temple with me :) The best birthday present I could have received. He surprised me by showing up at the temple. He had been working since he first heard we were getting married to get his recommend. It wasn't just for me, but it was a great motivation for himself. I couldn't have been happier :)
 

Later (to celebrate my birthday) we went to Craigos (now pizza pie cafe) with my family and James :) It was a great day and welcomed in the next wonderful day!